So you want to hear the story of my abortion? I was 25 when it happened-- the week before my birthday. I feel like important background information is that my boyfriend had been away in South America for four months and was sleeping with other women, (which is OK in our relationship), and he got a woman pregnant. She wanted to have the baby and he spent a week trying to convince her not to. He told her he was in love with someone else and that he didn't want to raise a child with her, but he supported her through her whole abortion process.
A month before she told him she was pregnant, he had told me on the phone that he wants to have babies with me. Which was a big deal, like, we have a future together was basically what he was saying. But when he came home he had completely changed his mind! He said he wished I could forget that he had said that he wanted to have babies with me, which was obviously totally traumatic. So heï¿½s really upset, he doesn't want to have babies with me anymore, heï¿½s really nervous that I'm going to get pregnant, but we still have unprotected sex... because... we're totally masochistic? I don't know.
Within three minutes of knowing I was pregnant, I knew I would have an abortion. That was probably one of the most shocking things for me. I mean, I love babies. I want babies. We'd been talking about babies and this is the love of my life. But then it was like, oh my god-- I have ten paintings to make and there's no way I can do that if I'm pregnant. Sorry it's not the right time. I want to go to Tibet, Peru, live in South America. I really want to make all these paintings. All I could imagine was my boyfriend becoming this alcoholic carpenter, hating me and divorcing me after three years, and me getting fat and wearing my nightgown all day. I just saw such a dark future if I was to have a baby.
There's another aspect to the story... should I tell you more? It's a little strange, but I was very aware of the presence of the baby. There was a certain aggression, or a fire in me. I felt this presence and it was very aggressive. It was the thing that was making me want to eat salami and cheeseburgers all day one after the other. I could feel a very powerful presence of a being. But I could feel OK about it because I do believe that if it is a soul, it came for a short visit to teach a short lesson and not a long one.