I had the abortion when I was 25. I was traveling. I had planned on being away from home for six months. During that time I had a relationship and became pregnant. I didn't realize I was pregnant for two months, because I had gotten sick while traveling... My body was in such an abnormal state.
When I found out I was pregnant, I had actually broken up with my boyfriend at the time. We decided to take time apart from each other. I wrote him a letter and told him I was pregnant and that I wasn't sure if I wanted to have the baby or not. A day before I decided to make the decision on my own, he showed up to where I was staying. And, of course, he really wanted the baby-- that was something he had actually been asking me for when we were together. Every morning I would wake up and it would be very clear to me that I was going to have an abortion, and then he convinced me not to. That happened for about a week.
I made a list of all the reasons I wanted to have the baby and the reasons that I didn't. I knew that the child would have been a special combination of the both of us. I felt like we were in love. He happened to be a very reckless person and although he said that he would be completely committed to having a child, I didn't believe that was true. Also, what I had planned for my life, at least for the next 10 years, was grounding.
It just wasn't clear to me. Every single person I talked to, when I asked them for advice, told me that if I looked deep inside myself, I'd find the answer-- that the answer was already there. But every time I looked, I didn't know. I don't think the answer was really there. I just had to make a decision. All I knew is that I was indecisive. So I went back and forth about it.
Eventually I decided that I just wasn't ready [to have a baby]. When I made that decision, my boyfriend kind of agreed with me and helped pack up my belongings. As we were carrying all of my things to the boat to go into the city, he changed his mind and started fighting with me on the streets. He told me that I was murdering his child. People stopped and tried to break up our fight.
There are few moments in my life when suddenly I know I'm very much alone in making a decision. It took every bit of strength just to have that part of myself make a decision and be strong-- to stay in the direction I was going. It was so traumatic... I was crying in public. I convinced myself that what was happening actually wasn't reality. That was the only way I could compose myself in public for hours.
I remember hating myself after I did it. I just remember being upset that that was my life story and something I could never erase. I don't think about it all the time... I know that's the decision I made and my life continues.