Today is bound to be the worst day of my life. My appointment to terminate my pregnancy is at 10:30 this morning. As I stare into my daughter's eyes, I tell myself that I want her to have the best life possible. If I bring another child in this world then that will not be a possibility for her. I am barely capable of feeding her and putting clothes on her back, let alone do it for another child. I am begging my family on a daily basis for money to make it through another day.
My mom and sister are knocking at my door and I want to run away as fast as possible. But instead I open it and let them in. My mother is here to watch Mikayla and my sister is here to drive me to my appointment. Now that my mother is here I dry up my tears because I refuse to show her my weakness. I want her to think I am strong and that I don’t need anyone to lean on. I absolutely refuse to let her believe she is right about anything to do with my life or the choices I have made. I want her to see that I am OK with this decision and that I will have no regrets.
As soon as I am in the car, my tears start again and my sister tells me that I am doing this for all the right reasons. I brought her with me because she has a calming way about her and is my comfort in life. When we arrive at the clinic the first thing they make me do is have an ultrasound. For the life of me I can not comprehend this. Why would they do this? The whole situation is bad enough without seeing the life I am about to destroy.
At this point, I am sobbing so loudly that I can't even breathe. The doctor tells me if I don’t stop and get myself under control then I will need to leave. This is yet another chance for me to leave. Yet instead of leaving, I walk into the room and lie down on the table. The doctor gives me something to calm my nerves but it doesn’t help the screaming inside my head. He then places my feet into the stirrups and begins what I can only describe as the most painful and horrifying moment in all of my life. I decide I don’t want this and beg him to stop. Unfortunately, it is too late and he has to continue.
He sucks out my tiny baby and it is gone from me forever. Soon he is done, and all I have left is a feeling of complete emptiness. Once I am back home, I curl up in my bed and let the sobs take over my body. I cry until there are no tears left and I am so exhausted that I fall asleep. I dream about my baby and in my dream it is a blonde-haired, blue-eyed little boy. He is so beautiful and I beg him to forgive me for what I have done. He seems so sad and lonely and then he just drifts away and I am left standing there, crying and reaching out for him.
The next morning, when I get up, I say a prayer to God to beg him to forgive me for what I have done. I feel as though I have let God down and that is the worst feeling I have ever had. I stay in my apartment for the next few days and cry. Eventually I become sort of numb to the pain. I go back to work and put on a fake smile so the world does not see my pain. But if anyone was to look closely enough and deep enough into my eyes they would see the raw pain that is there everyday. They would see the hurt and the unwillingness to forgive myself for the ignorance of my mistake. I only hope that I will one day be able to forgive myself and I pray that God will forgive me as well.