I don't remember much about any of what happened. My only memories of the whole procedure was waiting for the nurse to come get me and hearing the song "Landslide" by Fleetwood Mac playing on the radio. I thought it was sort of fitting:
"Mirror in the sky what is love? Can the child in my heart rise above? Can I hand over seasons of my life? I've been afraid of changing because I built my life around you, time changes, children get older and I'm getting older too."
I remember looking over while laying down on the operation table at the sac in the ultrasound right before the anesthesiologist put me under general anesthesia and thinking how I still didn't know if this was the right decision. I was never sure. My fiance and I went back and forth for weeks before we just felt exhausted of thinking. I remember waking up in the recovery room not feeling any pain, wondering what time it was, wanting to not be alone, but I was.
I saw a counselor a week later, when I was sick of crying alone. She kept saying my life was in flux right now, so much is changing and the baby was a mistake anyway. I hate the word mistake. She kept saying "baby" and I found it so upsetting in a way. I really have always wanted to have kids, I'm at the "right" age, I am highly educated and in a healthy relationship. So why we did it, I'll never be very sure. Lack of support? Lack of family in the area? Fear or panic of the unknown?