You know how some women say that they just KNEW when they were pregnant, without ever having taken a test or anything? It was exactly like that. I almost feel that I knew from the moment it happened: I was pregnant. But, being a worrier, I thought that's all I was doing again...just worrying. The cramping started about a week after conception. I knew something was up; it was way too soon for me to start having cramps, especially cramps this bad. Then the mood swings started. I couldn't decide if I wanted space or if I wanted to be smothered with attention from my boyfriend. I cried. I had severe panic attacks. One morning, I even threw up--a combination of morning sickness and nerves. The entire month leading up to my missed period, I knew something was up. I stared at my profile in front of the mirror, like I had seen women do in movies and TV shows, rubbing my lower abdomen...and I just knew.
I took the test one week exactly after my missed period, and in less than three minutes, my worst fear had been confirmed: I was actually pregnant. I remember running back upstairs to my bedroom, where my boyfriend was waiting for me, and all I did was collapse against my door and started crying hysterically. In an instant, he was by my side, holding me and telling me it was going to be alright, but I could tell he was just as scared as I was. We both knew that an abortion was the best option; our only option, and I was so grateful that we came to the same conclusion and that I would have his unwavering support during such a terrifying time for us.
My parents weren't very supportive. They knew I never wanted children, but they desperately want to be grandparents, and saw an accident as the only way that they would ever have grandkids. So, naturally, they put a lot of pressure on me to keep it...which didn't work and only ended in a fight. My mom drove the next day the four hours from home to be with me, and together we made an appointment at a clinic for an abortion.
I was scared to death. I've never handled doctors or hospitals or anything medical-related very well. I clung to my boyfriend in the waiting room, sobbing into his shoulder when my fear was too much to handle. But he wasn't allowed to go with me anywhere. They pulled me back for an ultrasound and I found out I was six weeks and six days. Then they pulled me back to speak to a counselor, who was nice, but kept trying to make my boyfriend out to be some awful guy who was forcing this decision on me.
I was given a Xanax to calm my nerves, which worked remarkably well, before they did some quick blood work. After that, I was given mere moments to hug and kiss my boyfriend goodbye before I was escorted downstairs to await the procedure. My wait wasn't long and before I knew it, a nurse was holding my hand and making polite conversation with me while I lay back in a chair, my heart practically beating out of my chest. The doctor didn't introduce himself. In fact, he barely said hi before he sat himself down and began numbing me. That was what hurt the most: three shots of anesthetic into the cervix. I screamed all three times, and the nurse politely told me that I couldn't scream anymore. As soon as the shots were over, I began hyperventilating and crying uncontrollably--and I felt like an idiot, like I was the only girl who reacted this way. I cried and apologized repeatedly throughout the whole procedure, the nurse assuring me that it was alright. And in under three minutes, it was all over. I don't remember much after that...except being handed off to my boyfriend and then a really deep sleep. But it was over, and I was thankful.
I still think we made the right decision. It's only been a few months, but it was right. I do get emotional every now and then, but my boyfriend is so supportive and I know I can count on him to just listen when I'm feeling like that. We couldn't have supported a child, let alone my medical bills or anything. I cry every now and then, because I was almost a mother and my boyfriend was almost a father. But ultimately, we both know that we made the right decision and we're so happy.
Every woman deserves support, and I wish more than anything that I could be there for every single woman who is going through this or has gone through this. Just know that you made the right decision and you are never, ever alone.