I found out I was pregnant when I was starting my second year of grad school. I felt all the tell-tale symptoms (nausea, breast tenderness, fatigue), and finally took a test when I realized I was at least two weeks late. My boyfriend though I was just exhausted, because I tend to work a lot, but I knew it wasn't that. I was pregnant.
I took the test alone, on a school night, right before my usual bedtime. When it came back positive, I couldn't call anyone. I was stunned. I was pretty hysterical, and knew that I could not keep it. Mainly, I want to finish my education and be more financially secure (but also more emotionally mature) before starting a family. That night I texted one of my best friends with the news, and she offered to do anything for me-- even though she doesn't live in the same city as me, she was one of those who showed (and still continues to show me) unconditional support.
The next day, I started to consider the other option-- having a child. Although I realized that my life wouldn't be over if I did have a kid, I knew that deep-down I really just wanted to end it. My friend also told me about how her mom had to have an abortion and still thinks about what that child would have turned out like today, but I still knew what it was that I needed to do. It did feel good though to know that it wasn't my only option.
That night I told another close friend, who also offered endless support. I went to my boyfriend's place and told him the news. He told me that I was too young to have a child (I was 23), and that our relationship couldn't handle it. He even offered to take the day off work to be with me the day of my appointment, and he offered to pay for half of it. The next day I made the appointment. Later that same day, my boyfriend asked me out to dinner, where he shared with me his new viewpoint on my pregnancy: he said that if I decided to keep it, he would do everything to support me and our child. BUT, he said that he couldn't handle it if I planned to move back from to get support from my parents (it would mean a three hour drive for him). I still knew that I was keeping that appointment.
About a week later, my boyfriend started acting strange. One day, when I was just so busy and hadn't contacted him until about 10:30 pm, he sounded very relieved to hear my voice. He said "I got soo worried because well, you're carrying our child". It felt good to know that he cared about me, but that statement was a red flag (which I ignored for the time being). In my mind, I was carrying cells - not a full-blown baby!
A few days later, he was acting standoffish, and he said "Maybe if you loved me more, you would choose to have the child, and take the next step in this relationship". He continued on to complain about him feeling unloved by me (which he was measuring by how often I was intimate with him). I immediately stood my ground, and stated that my decision was based on my personal circumstances, and had nothing to do with him. That's the truth - I want to be able to support my children myself! He said I was being defensive. That night I spent the night at my friends place, and she offered to go to the clinic with me. I accepted her offer.
The following morning I received a text from my boyfriend (who I had been dating seriously for almost two years) saying "I don't feel the love you claim to have for me anymore, so I think it's best if we're just friends". This is five days before my procedure-- do you think I wanted to be his friend? Does it really sound like he knows what a friend is? He doesn't. He called me three times that day, and left voicemails like "I think I deserve to get a phone call back from you, since you're carrying our child." Crazy.
I called him the following day, and just blew up at him. How dare he say anything like that to me? NO ONE deserves to receive that kind of treatment when dealing with such an emotional time (I had some serious pregnancy hormone stuff happening, which he knew about!). I just knew that he couldn't be the friend that I needed at that point in time, and I just didn't have the time, energy , or self-respect to accommodate an individual who would treat me like that. So I said I didn't want his friendship, he wasn't a friend at all. I said other things too... like "I hope you don't knock up another girl ever again, because I don't want anyone to go through what I'm going through right now". This offended him. He didn't contact me until the night before my procedure, when he asked if I wanted him to be there. Too little too late-- he already abandoned me. He didn't bother to get in touch with me before then, to see how I was doing (which wasn't great), and even after the procedure he didn't bother to contact my friend or me to see how I was. I called him though, to tell him everything was fine, and asked him to bring over my personal things that I left at his place before we broke up.
The night of my procedure, he brought over my things. I asked if he would come in and watch some shows with me, and he said he had to go read for a course he's taking. He also said that I should let him know if I wanted to go biking sometime-- clearly he had no idea that I wouldn't be biking intensely for a while. That night I stayed with the same friend who went with me to the clinic, the one who I woke up to holding my hand, the one who hasn't ever made me feel "alone" at all during all of this. She has even said "I don't want you to think that you are going through this alone." How much luckier can I get?
I feel like all of this is so much more difficult because I got to see another side of my (now ex-) boyfriend, who I once thought was the most thoughtful person. Now, I'm just starting to realize why my friends saw him as controlling, or somewhat emotionally abusive. He has said things in the past which didn't make me feel very good, but I let them slide, in hopes of happier times. Now, I beat myself up about not ending our relationship sooner. So that I wouldn't have to experience all of this. I used to be angry at him, for the way he treated me. Now, it's been almost two weeks since the procedure, and I am still sad. Sometimes I get tears in my eyes for no reason. Honestly, I just wish that I still had that person there to hold me and to make me feel better. I know I have THE most amazing friends, so why do I still feel this loss? I hope I'll get over it someday, and I really hope I'll be able to be in another relationship with someone. Right now, I feel anger towards people who really didn't do anything to me-- from bus drivers to store clerks.
Since my procedure, my ex has called me once and texted me once. I haven't responded. I don't want him to see me being upset - he is going to think that I still have feelings for him (because I know that's what he has thought in the past). He just doesn't know that everytime I get a cramp, or everytime I think "wow, I can't wait to swim again", I get sad and angry at him. He has been able to continue with his life uninterrupted, no hassle, just minor emotional involvement. I've been told that I'll get through this, and I am confident that I am going to be stronger given this experience. My advice to anyone out there is to lean on those you know you can lean on. My friends haven't experienced this personally, but they have been amazingly supportive of me - even when I just start crying, they're there for me.
I'm so happy I was able to make a choice, concerning my pregnancy. I'm so happy I have such an amazing support system. I'm so happy I made the decision that I made. It may not be easy right now, but I know that I will be such a strong person in the future. I'm trying my best to have positive self-talk ("I am worthy of a healthy relationship", "I do deserve to be treated better") but sometimes I am overwhelmed with sadness. No one should be abandoned like I have been. Please don't let anyone do this to you.