Well, my story happened on March 23rd, 2006. I know, it has been almost 6 years.. 6 years and for some reason I still think about it and remember it like it was yesterday.

I was 19 years old, and I had been with my bf for a bit less than a year and a half. I loved him, thought he was fantastic and wanted to eventually marry him and have a family with him. I have always had irregular periods and for a long time had unprotected sex with him and nothing had happened, so I assumed that I was not able to conceive. However, one day when my bf was in Vegas with some friends, I began feeling dizzy and my mouth began watering a lot... do not ask me why I thought this might be a symptom of pregnancy, but I did. I took a pregnancy test and I could not believe my eyes. Positive. It was positive.

I remember feeling a mix of happiness and sadness, it was a strange feeling. Called my bf and broke the news to him. He was floored but told me we would make things work and we would discuss things when he got home. I'm not going to lie, I immediately began talking to the baby, and even bought pre-natal vitamins to make sure that I was taking care of myself. Once my bf got back we sat down and discussed what needed to happen in order to raise the baby. The first thing he told me was that he was not going to marry me because he did not want to marry me just because I was pregnant, that shook me to the core. I am not at all a conservative person, actually quite the opposite, but for some reason I wanted to hear that he loved me enough and loved our baby enough that he would marry me. Well after getting over the shock we talked about him getting a second job (I was full time in college and working part time) after sitting down with him and thinking of places he could work the night shift I began feeling very depressed. I began thinking about different things like one: I did not have health insurance and the birth and doctor appointments were going to be very expensive, two: my family was going to be upset that my bf was not going to marry me, three: they were going to be disappointed in me, four: maybe I would not finish college, but even more so five: my bf would have to work non-stop. The guilt of realizing that not just mine, but everyone's life around me was going to change, and realizing that I was so unprepared that I could not even pay for this child to be born, really killed me.

It was at that moment I decided that I could not keep the baby. I cried, and cried about it, but acted strong in front of my bf who at first was against the idea, but later thought about it some more and realized it was the best solution. I cried all the time, and had no one to talk to. While i called different places to get different prices for my abortion, I felt pieces of me were dying. Finally a week after making my decision, and 2 weeks after finding out I was pregnant I made the appt and my bf and I went to abortion clinic.

It was a horrible experience. Once they did an ultrasound they charged for half the total, so even if I decided to back out, my bf would still be out half the money.. oh gosh the guilt again. They sat me down gave me pills to make me groggy (because I had signed a paper saying I did not want general anesthesia, I guess I wanted to punish myself even further). However, they took me to the room and gave me general anesthesia (I'm not sure if they did that out of pity because I could not stop crying). I woke up in a room where another woman was being brought in, and they gave me orange juice and animal crackers and asked for my bf's name. All I remember is my bf coming into the room with the saddest look in his face, and I blacked out until I woke up hours later in his bedroom. He took care of me, made me food, and helped me along the way, but I still remember feeling very alone, and I have felt very alone since then.

Do not get me wrong, I know it was the best decision to make, this May I will graduate from graduate school, and have a career and hopefully a good life. I have had a new bf for 3 years now, a man who is wonderful and caring (my ex, I later found out, was cheating on me the whole time, he was a nice person, but a horrible bf). I have it all. I guess at that moment, and from time to time I still get very emotional and cry and question everything. I guess now 6 years later I'm thinking about starting a family and i worry that I will be punished and not able to. I worry about a lot of things. I am ashamed of what I did, and would never be able to tell my family, but like I said it was the best thing to do, but it will always be the hardest. I loved that baby even if it was just 8 weeks old. I loved it and I still do.