I found out that I was pregnant five days before I left for college. I took a pregnancy test in a Wawa bathroom and went out to the parking lot and cried for an hour. I wanted to go home and curl up in bed but I didn't want my family to see me and ask me what I was crying about. To this day my family doesn't know.
The way that I got pregnant is tangled and confuses me to this day. I met a guy in a bar and we kissed. I knew I was drunk so I wanted to go home and sleep alone. But my friend's boyfriend invited him back to the house. He started kissing me again and I didn't want things to go further but they did, and for some reason I didn't stop him. That's what I can't forgive myself for. I'm confused because I don't know why I didn't stop him. I don't know who to blame. I guess I was too drunk to care what was happening to me. So he fucked me without a condom and I ended up pregnant. He didn't even sleep with me that night. He drove home.
I called him to tell him that I was pregnant and he just asked me what I was going to do. He really didn't even sound shocked. That was probably the worst part. I felt like regardless of who was to blame I was the one who had to deal with all the consequences. When I decided to have an abortion he didn't help me get there or help me pay for it despite my begging. I ended up calling a girl I barely knew to drive me because I was afraid to tell some of my close friends.
The first time I went to the clinic I was too early along to have an abortion. I was even more terrified because this meant that I would have to have an abortion after I left for college and I would have no support from my friends.
I was so scared when I started school. I had been looking forward to it for so long. But now I felt like I was dragging around this huge secret and I was terrified to talk to people and go out. This was especially hurtful because I'm usually so outgoing. Now I know how shy people feel. You're just frozen in fear no matter how much you want to reach out.
When I was far enough along to have an abortion I was incredibly fortunate and my friend Tim drove down to my college to help me. I was the only one crying in the clinic. I felt like such a fool. I could even hear other people whispering about me like there was something strange about how upset I was. The nurse told me as gently as she could that if I didn't calm down the doctor wouldn't perform the procedure on me.
I finally calmed down enough to go in. They did the abortions in an almost revolving-door fashion. They had a group of girls there in the morning and one of us would go in after the other. It's strange, because the actual procedure was so quick and almost painless, but I'm still crying about it two years later.
Over time I grew more comfortable talking to people about it. But still, despite all of the people I've told not a single one has had an abortion. Two have had miscarriages, which in many ways is even more tragic, but I still don't feel that I have anyone that I can relate to. It's so isolating. I don't know if I just have really responsible friends or if they're more scared to talk about it than I am, but it makes me feel so alone. I hate it. And I hate how the media plays up teen pregnancies. Things like "Juno" and "16 and Pregnant" make me feel like an even bigger piece of shit. I mean I guess there's no way to make a charming story out of an abortion, but between that and none of my friends being in my situation, I just have nothing to relate to. The only people who are talking are anti-abortionists.
I can't even say that I would go back and change things. The idea of seeing a baby's face everyday that would look like that bastard makes me sick. But I'm miserable. I wish that I could say I didn't regret my abortion. I wish that I could give hope for girls who are pregnant and don't know where else to turn. I want to let go of this so badly.