I, just like everyone else, never thought it would happen to me. My mom went out of town for Spring Break. She told me my boyfriend wasn't allowed to stay over because she didn't want me "to get pregnant or something." I laughed at her remark.
Come a few weeks later, it is now April. My boyfriend and I decide to take a break because things weren't working and he had to serve 30 in jail. My period was late. I didn't think anything of it. Which was strange, usually I would start getting paranoid about being pregnant before I was even due to have my period. There was one day I was hanging out with some of my friends, and we went to go visit our friends who just so happened to have a baby. My friend asked if I wanted to hold her son, and the second she handed him to me and I had that baby in my arms, I knew. Seeing as I was an 18 year old who failed to graduate high school on time, didn't have a job or car and an ex in the slammer, having to steal a pregnancy test from the local grocery store didn't really make me feel any better about my current situation.
April 21, 2013. Despite the fact that I was in my bathroom reading directions on how to take a pregnancy test and the gut feeling I had the day before, whilst perched upon the 'throne' (if you will), I still for some reason didn't think anything of it. I thought it was a fluke.
Before I could even finish peeing, two bright pink lines developed. I have never felt time move so slowly before in my life. I didn't believe what I was looking at. I was in utter shock. I cracked open a beer. (As much as I hate to admit that) I was in no way ready to be a mother, mentally, physically, emotionally nor spiritually. I knew this. I knew I needed to have an abortion.
Being the naive little girl I am, I for whatever reason thought an abortion would cost me roughly $80-$100. I was way off. Once I began looking into things and realized it was way out of my budget I began to freak out, big time.
I made an appointment with my doctor. The morning of my appointment, as I'm putting my shoes on about to walk out the door, I got a call from the local correctional center. I was shaking. I told my ex that I was pregnant. The conversation went better than I had expected. He told me he loved me and that everything was going to be ok. I told him I wanted an abortion. He said he thought that would be best but he wanted me to think about it and make sure it was what I really wanted.
See the thing is, I didn't WANT to get an abortion. I just knew that would be what's best for myself and my baby. I had no money, no motivation, I basically had nothing going for me and it would have been selfish for me to have had a child in the situation I was in just because I was too scared to have an abortion. And scared I was.
My ex got out of jail and told me he had talked to his aunt and she said she was going to pay for my abortion. We talked things out and decided to date again. I can not even begin to describe the relief I felt. I didn't feel so alone anymore. Though through a rough turn of events the exact opposite of what I wanted to happened, happened and his mom found out. Which lead to his whole family finding out. I was devastated, I had never felt such a strong form of humiliation.
His mom was very supportive though, she decided she wanted to be the one to pay for it and let me spend the night at their house before the day of my procedure. May 18, 2013. I was in no way prepared for the day I was about to endure. I arrived at Planned Parenthood with and to my worst nightmare, there were protesters outside. I waited in the waiting room for a very long time, occasionally being called back to sign some paper work, have some tests done, answer questions, pee in a cup, etc, etc.
As a part of normal protocol, an ultrasound had to be done. The ultrasound technician asked me if I wanted to see it. To this day I wish I had said no. She also asked if I wanted to hear my baby's heartbeat and I REALLY wish I had said no. After three hours of waiting, it was finally time for me to go back to have my procedure. They gave me some Vicodin and I sat in a exam room, alone for 45 minutes, which to me felt like an eternity. Finally my surgeon came in and began explaining everything to me. I was too out of it to really process what was going on exactly...she talked me through the whole procedure. As soon as the nurses helped me stand up to walk me to the recovery room I burst into tears. I felt as if I was never going to stop crying.
In the recovery room the nurses gave me some Oreos and Ginger Ale and that was enough to get me to stop crying for a good 15 minutes. I got a goodie bag with pamphlets, condoms and birth control all packed up for me, and I was ready to leave. I just had to wait for them to get ahold of my boyfriend to come get me. They called him a few times but he wasn't answering. I started crying again because this was the last thing I wanted to happen. I tried calling him a few times as well once they gave me my phone back. It took him 20 minutes to come get me. He was stoned. He told me he smoked with some random girl he met in the parking lot who was waiting for her friend to have her abortion. I have honestly never felt so much rage, sadness and disappointment in my whole life. At that point I felt totally alone again.
It's all one big blur to me, but at the same time it is embedded in my memory. It's been almost 6 months since and it has been difficult for me. I don't regret my decision, and I'm proud of myself for having been able to go through with it. I'm slowly learning how to better cope with the negative things I have been feeling. I know deep down this was what was right for me, and I'm glad to be where I'm at today.