I was 15 and so in love. I had been with my boyfriend for a year and half when we decided we were ready. I had this whole "nothing bad can happen to me" attitude. Boy, was I wrong.
Stupidly, we didn't use a condom and what do ya know? I was pregnant. 15 & pregnant. Everyone I knew told me there was no way I could be, but I just had this feeling, I just knew. I took the test at home, by myself and just stared at the stick in disbelief. I was in hysterics-- what the hell was I going to do? A baby can't raise a BABY!
My boyfriend and I talked to a teacher to whom we were both really close, and he set me up with Planned Parenthood and a court appointed lawyer. I had to go in front of a judge and state why I believed I was mature enough to make this decision without my parents since it was illegal for me to make the decision on my own.
My birthday came, Sweet 16... yeah, how sweet. I was starting to become really unsure about my decision to go through with it. I couldn't help but become extremely attached to the baby growing inside of me. My high school homecoming was coming up. Buying a dress was weird because my belly was a little bigger, so the one I got was too tight. I borrowed my friends' and off I went to have a "wonderful night." It was horrible... how could I be having fun when four days from then I would be "terminating my pregnancy?"
The day came, and to be completely honest, I don't remember much. I remember going into the room crying, I remember the pain and that they had to insert an IV with more medication in my arm, and I remember the sound of a vacuum. Next thing I knew, I was at Mcdonalds, puking. About a week later, my boyfriend broke up with me, and to this day he has never shown emotion about it all.
I still wonder what it would have been like if I didn't get the abortion, I wonder if it was a girl or a boy, would I have been a good mother. But I know I wasn't able to raise a child, and I know my life would have been ruined had I decided to go through with it. The baby wouldn't have had the best life it should have. I have basically decided I don't want kids. I don't feel deserving. There are women who try their whole lives to have a child and are unable. I was able and I did get pregnant and I decided not to have it.
I'm hoping my view of things will change one day, but for now that's how I feel... even if it was for "the best."