I found out I was pregnant in the end of July. I told my son's father and we agreed that I wouldn't keep it. We were no longer together. He was too infatuated with his life. And I was too busy struggling with my life. I procrastinated for about a month and a half. Honestly, I secretly wished that I would miscarry instead of having to get an abortion. But it never happened.
Sometimes I wonder if it was meant for me to keep the baby. When I did decide to go through with the abortion, I couldn't at the time because I had mid-terms that I desperately had to pass. So I waited until after mid-terms. Then I found out my insurance was cut off. Now I had no way to pay for the abortion. After that I tried to convince myself that everything would be OK if I had to keep the baby. But I knew it was a lie. So I prayed, and I placed everything in god's hands.
Then I came across some information for an abortion fund. I contacted them, explained my situation, and they covered the entire cost of my abortion. I had to have a two day procedure. The first day, I wanted so badly to just get up and leave. I was alone. I didn't have anyone there with me for support. I was hungry. And for the first time, I could feel movement in my tummy. I sat in the doctor's office for a total of seven hours. For the first part of the procedure I was put to sleep. When I woke up, my stomach was killing me. I later found out that they gave me an injection in my stomach to stop the baby's heartbeat.
I felt like shit, walking around carrying a dead baby. I kept rubbing my stomach, but of course the baby couldn't feel it. The second day was a blur. After the procedure I just wanted to curl up in a ball and die. And I still do to this moment. For some reason, I feel like my little baby is staring down at me full of hate.