I found out I was pregnant when I was 25. It sounds old, but I had nothing figured out. My relationship had ended months prior, although we continued to be friends. I was mid-way through a Master's degree and my job offered no benefits. I had limited support and as much as I loved this unborn life, I felt like I had such little to offer it. And it broke my heart, I wanted to be in a different situation where I could offer the baby everything I didn't have.
I found out very early on, at 3.5 weeks. I had taken two pregnancy tests (both negative, although the second one was slightly less clear) before going to the doctor's office for a blood test. The doctor called me while I was stuck on the subway. I was devastated. I got attached really quickly. I nicknamed the baby 'Speckle' (because she was so tiny). I give nicknames to the people that I care about the most.
I told my ex-boyfriend and he had a very clear opinion on what to do (i.e., have an abortion). I didn't want to tell a lot of people because I felt so ashamed and guilty. How could I get pregnant on birth control? And people have such strong opinions on this topic, yet it's supposed to be so common. I saw a counsellor at an abortion clinic for a decision making appointment and the experience was so valuable. She was amazing! She reinforced the idea that it is okay to do this - it is not a privilege, but a RIGHT that we women have. Sometimes it's the best, most caring and loving thing we can do. And while no decision is ever perfect, women make the best decisions they can for themselves given the information, support and resources they have available.
I went ahead with the procedure and I have struggled with it since. I second guess my decision all the time and I am really grieving for this potential person. Physically speaking, the procedure is quite fine. The medication hits you immediately and then it's all over (it is really hard to remember the procedure with the medication they give you). I saw the same counsellor afterward and she again shared some really wonderful insight. She suggested that maybe some babies are not meant to be born - that they come to us for other reasons, maybe to teach us something about ourselves. I'm struggling to be empowered in this situation, but I want to do something amazing for my Speckle. I carry her with me in a different place and I want to channel her goodness and light into my life. I'm thinking about you other ladies in this situation, I know how isolating it is, but please remember that you're not alone.