I am so sad about the whole thing. I wished last night it was all a bad dream and I was waiting to wake up. I always use to say I would get pregnant when I told my body to, and I never used birth-control because of a bad experience with the OBGYN. I did my best to not have sex with many men. But this one, Jake, we had a good time together-- we had so much in common and I could share things with him. He supposedly played the part of a friend but I knew at times he was not sincere.
I chose not to pay attention mainly because I have been so lonely and unable to connect with another individual. I was so alone and worked two jobs. He lives in the same building as I do that's how I met him. I really liked him and told him so. He just said he thought I was cool and, well, that was not the same as him liking me. I am funny, gorgeous so many have said that I'm honest and charming and tons of fun. But he was not having it... he never fell for me as I hoped so when I started to pull away. He told me after he'd been out drinking he loved me and I told him he was lying and he told me not to be talking stupid. Later, he invited me out to meet a friend of his but he had been drinking most of the afternoon with his friend. That night he told me he wanted babies with me and we talked about what we would name them.
That night we had sex and we made a baby. I remember the experience was different. We both knew and sure enough I was pregnant I was five weeks when we found out. He had broken up with me a week before I found out. He did not say much about anything, only seeming to be waiting for a decision. He was not funny anymore, or affectionate, or talkative. He just stopped everything and I seemed to annoy him now. It seemed he did not want it. The rejection was so sad for me and I based my decision on that. I was also so far away from home and I had no network of caring people.
He left for a couple of days to his brothers in the suburbs. I was secretly so happy, I was ecstatic... I bought the prettiest flowers I could find in quiet celebration. My belly ached where the fetus was growing I knew exactly were it was at in my tummy way before the ultrasound. It was in the far left.
The day of the abortion I was strong, sad, and irritated. Jake made sure I was going... he called so many times and knocked on my door and looked at me as if he was going to have a hard time with me. In the waiting room, the other couples were affectionate. He was stiff and reading a book. he would not let me lean on him or he would not talk to me. I believe he was afraid any little movement on his part would cause me to change my mind. I could see this and was bothered a little because I am easy going and decisive. He paid and the nurses told him to stay with me and he did not. He went to watch football.
He never called me to see how I was or if I needed groceries. I was not OK but I was hungry the next night and walked to the store. Men were honking and saying things to me because I was walking slowly and in the city a lady walks quickly and to her destination looking straight ahead, not down like me. The cab started arguing with me and told me to get out of his cab because I was irritated and telling him how to best drive me home. I could hardly walk. I went to Sears to buy gloves and to walk a bit the next night and my tummy felt tight and sore but I needed air. One of the workers was bickering about having to repeatedly put back gloves and asked me strongly if I was going to need all the gloves I was trying on. I shred her to pieces I was so angry and again I was crying. I needed to direct my anger at Jake.
Slowly but surely I am going to be a wholesome and healthy woman. I write this as a prayer and as a testament to what I am going to do. I can't let anger, hatred and depression and grief eat me up inside. I will heal my heart will be clear and pure and I will not be angry and bitter, I will not ware it on my heart or my face or my tone of voice or in my eyes.