Well...I was 21 years old when I had my abortion. To this day, that has been the single most horrific, tragic, and life changing experience of my life. I guess in a way, the abortion put a lot of things in perspective and gave me a whole new sense how to live and live "appropriately."
When I was 19, still heartbroken from my high school sweetheart, I met a man at a job where I worked as a waitress. He was 35. At first, the age scared me but he was so nice and charismatic. I thought, "What's the harm?"
About eight to nine months into the relationship, it started to turn abusive. We would argue EVERY day about his insecurities or my denial (he was cheating on me but promised to leave the "other" woman). Eventually, the verbal/emotional abuse turned into physical abuse. The only safe haven I had was knowing that I did not live with this man and knowing that I had nothing tied to him (bank accounts, cars, rent etc.)
I never realized that he was raping me until the last time he raped me, and about eight months after the relationship was over. I was begging and pleading him to stop and trying to use all of my physical strength to get him off of me, and nothing worked. He had a roommate and the fact that his roommate was starting to hear me cry and plead "NO" and "PLEASE STOP" was the only thing that saved me that night.
Being in denial and naive, I did not end our relationship that night. I still went back to him...sometimes I think I deserve the rapes for that. In late February our relationship was pretty much over but he still refused to let me go. I had tried to relieve myself from him for about nine months now and did not want my issues to be blasted across my workplace by filing a restraining order. Anyway, I went to his house late February to talk and he ended up raping me again...after he was finished I knew I was pregnant I could feel the connection when he released in me. But...me being me I was in denial of that too.
On April 2008 I turned 21. Had a huge party at Dave & Busters, drinking and smoking cigarettes socially. Two weeks later I noticed I did not have a period. Because I had one in March I thought I had skipped a month but I still went to my doctor to do a blood test to be sure. Results came back that I was indeed pregnant. When I confronted my ex-boyfriend about the results his exact response to me was, "well...you need to go find your baby's father...I don't know who you have been sleeping around with." Jerk. Then when I told him I couldn't bear to keep it, the story changed to, "I'm taking you to Maury", "I'm taking you to court," "I'm gonna force you to have this baby then I'm sending it back to Africa for my other baby mama's to deal with it... maybe kill it, who knows".
In May I went to the OBGYN to have everything checked out and to discuss how to get an abortion. I thought so heavily about what I should do between finding out I was pregnant in April and having the abortion in June. I wanted to keep it but I knew my parents wouldn't be supportive considering they weren't very mentally/emotionally supportive of me growing up. I knew about adoption but I wasn't strong enough to give it up for adoption and my ex-boyfriend told me that if I tried that he was going to sue me and take the baby away from me and have horrible things happen to it, and I couldn't take that. For those weeks (April to June) I probably cried every day. I felt as though abortion was my only option. The option that was best for my baby.
As much as I loved my baby, I hated it because of the rape it represented. I hated that this baby stood for all the bullshit I endured and put up with. Not only that, but after my OBGYN appointment, the doctor called me back within a week and told me that my ex-boyfriend had given me a STD that my baby also has a strong chance of having. I was to take a pill to get rid of the STD with me but the side effect the pill would have on my unborn child was unknown. Never in my life have I ever seen more of a need to kill someone than when I found that information out. I was carrying a baby conceived out of rape and also with a STD and whatever other sickness came due to the medicine I took to get rid of the STD, mixed with cigarettes and alcohol. I didn't feel like that is the way to bring a child into the world.
June 3. June 3. That was the day I was scheduled for an abortion. The day permanently inked on the back of my neck because even though it's behind me, it will NEVER be forgotten. My best friend took me to the doctor that day to have the procedure done. My ex pleaded with me to let him go with me but that was way out of the question. When I went back to get ready for my procedure, I saw so many normal people like myself sitting in there waiting to have the same procedure as me. Mostly everyone had someone back there with them comforting them and helping them. I was alone. I preferred it that way.
When I went to have my ultrasound, they made me look at my baby and the doctor came in and told me I was 16 1/2 weeks. I was going to have to pay more for my abortion because I am in my second trimester and it was going to be a bit more complicated. Good thing they had a payment plan because my insurance company wouldn't cover it unless I had a rape kit done and pressed charges or attempted to press charges against my accuser. That's health insurance for you.
So, I went back into the room where the other girls were waiting and a nurse came and handed me a pill and some water and told me I would be ready in about five minutes. I took the pill and drank the water. About 30 seconds later I ran to the bathroom and threw up. I kept throwing up until there was nothing left. I thought that was the procedure but I was wrong. The pill also gave me horrible cramps. The nurse said that was my forced miscarriage which is what the pill did to me. I wish she could have told me what the pill was doing before I swallowed it; at least I would've been prepared. I should have taken some initiative and asked though too.
After throwing up and feeling horrible they took me into this room lay me on my back on a bed and put my feet on these metal things that made my legs spread open. The doctor came in and started pulling out some tools and equipment then explained to me that what was going to happen to me was the equivalent of them putting a vacuum to my vagina and sucking everything inside of me out. No anesthesia. No pain medicine. I was hysterical. Crying and screaming I do not handle pain well at all and the anxiety of knowing what was about to happen to me was unbearable. Also, lets not mention the guilt. The nurse was holding my hand the entire time but I could not stop from screaming and crying. Right as soon as he turned the machine on I BEGGED him to stop. I told the doctor I changed my mind I can't do this anymore and to PLEASE not do this to me. He told me that I am too late and that I have a dead fetus inside of me and he has to remove it. And that's exactly what he did. I felt every part of my baby being "sucked" out of me. I felt the head the whole body and limbs. I felt so depressed and disconnected.
After he was done, the doctor sent me back into the room with the other girls who had either already had a procedure done or were waiting to have the procedure done. Out of all the people before me I did not hear anyone cry. I think I was the worst one because when I sat down people were staring at me. They made me have another ultrasound to make sure there was nothing sitting inside of me. There wasn't. The doctor cleaned me out. Then after all the pain and the procedure was completely done he decided to give me pain medication. The medication was so strong that someone had to drive me home but my best friend was waiting in the waiting room in the front to do that. The pain medication made me feel high and out of it...after the operation I wanted IHOP and then went to a dorm room to have fun and didn't have a care in the world I was so high.
Two days later after I came down off the medication all the way up until now I regret this WHOLE experience. Had I have to go through this experience again I still am unsure if I would have had the baby and given the baby up for adoption. Because of the complications the baby had inside of me (medication, STD, alcohol, cigarette smoke) I am unsure I would want a baby to live a painful life through the state but if a doctor would have taken an interest in me to sit down and discuss my specific situation and told me my baby had high chances of being normal...I would have had the baby and given it up for open adoption. I, to this day, still have not forgiven myself and still consider myself a monster and a murderer even though being pregnant was a choice stolen from me. I still doubt I have gotten over the rapes and I am POSITIVE that I have not gotten over my child. I think about her everyday...and it makes it painful to see other children and babies because I see mine. I get scared and have a phobia of being close or even holding babies and children out of the fear of getting super attached and being labeled by society as "weird" or "not normal" or "a murderer."
Two years later I am still trying to find a way to cope. I still haven't told my parents and the only people I confided in was my cousin, my best friend, and my current boyfriend because I feel that he has a right to know. I don't want to lie about this anymore like it doesn't affect me or didn't happen to me.
Never in a million years did I think something like this could happen to me because I have "inner strength" and I don't believe in being a "victim." But it did. I'm still reaching for help because this wound hasn't even begun to heal. This is my first time telling my story and to all that read it I say thank you. This site has helped me realize that I'm not alone. As long as I am able to help or give comfort with my story to one person, then spilling my guts has been worth it.