I thought a lot about what I would do if I ever had an unexpected pregnancy before it actually happened. Having an abortion was the best option, and I still feel that way after recently having one. My mother had me when she was in her early twenties, and definitely was not ready for children. For most of my life, my mom has made me feel unwanted and like I was an obligation to her. For many years I have battled with PTSD, depression, and anxiety from growing up in an abusive environment with an alcoholic mother and narcissistic father. In high school I was in an abusive relationship for three years and lived in constant fear. I felt like my childhood was stolen from my life and still have painful memories of my adolescence.
When I finally moved away from home and went to college, I met who I thought was the love of my life. We had a passionate and tumultuous relationship that lasted for longer than it should have. We broke up after dating for a year and a half, several months of which were a long distance relationship. After breaking up, we continued to hook up and occasionally hang out. I even dated another guy for 9 months, but of course it didn't work out because my ex would not leave me alone. I should have seen the signs and really believed that he was bad for me, but for some reason, I chose to ignore them. He had cheated on me, been emotionally abusive to me, and lied to me on several occasions, causing much grief in my life. Recently we hung out again, after he told me that I was the love of his life and he wanted to be with me. I hadn't seen him for almost a year, because he had moved away. Shortly after I had sex with him, these "feelings" changed, and his words were merely broken promises. Finally, I feel like I am seeing things clearly for the first time. I believe this man is very narcissistic and emotionally abusive. He is incapable of fully loving me or anyone in his life.
I was not on birth control because of experiences I have had in the past with it affecting my body negatively. We used a condom but it broke. I usually get the day after pill, but for some reason completely forgot and was careless in thinking I was safe and not in the window of ovulation. I waited for my period to come. After it was a week late, I bought a pregnancy test. I tested positive. Immediately I started crying and knew what I had to do.
My ex boyfriend told me the truth when I told him I was pregnant. He told me he does not love me any more and can't be there for me. He said he would help pay, but that he could not there for me emotionally at all. He said he couldn't handle this and was too busy. I had to reach out to friends and have been a complete emotional rollercoaster. Thankfully, many of my friends were supportive of my decision and worried about me. I also found out that many of the people I considered my friends are actually not my friends. I have been careful about who I tell, and feel isolated from social activities. I just want to be alone.
I don't remember the actual procedure, which was a surgical aspiration, and happened exactly a week ago. I was about 7 weeks pregnant. I was very tired before the procedure and the sedative put me out. I woke up with no memory of what had happened. Everyone at the clinic I went to was very nice and made me feel comfortable. Protesters are not allowed on the property, so it was nice that I didn't have to deal with that. I was relieved and very tired after the procedure. I have been crying every day, calling friends, and my therapist. I have been unable to concentrate on homework for school and feel upset. Physically, I have been very weak and experienced light bleeding and painful cramping.
I think my decision was the best one. I am not fit to be a mother at this time in my life. I had been drinking heavily, and was worried that if I continued the pregnancy, it would result in a baby with fetal alcohol syndrome. I am still in college, and not sure about my goals in life. I believe my ex boyfriend is unfit to be a father and would not have given me or my child the support or love we deserve. Everything happened so quickly, but I want to make this experience into a positive one, one in which I learn to take care of myself better and figure out what I want in life. I know it will take time to get over this, and I may never fully get over it, but I am determined for it to be a learning experience more than one I regret. The main thing I am worried about is my mental health. With a history of depression already, getting over it may not be easy. I am considering getting back on anti-depressants after this and really focus on myself.
One day I hope to meet a man that will treat me good. I hope to be fit emotionally and mentally to handle a family. I want to experience real love. I have a lot of things to look forward to. I don't want to bring a child into the world when with so many unresolved issues, and risk being abusive to my child. I have an appointment in a week at the clinic for a follow up and plan to get an IUD. I am scared of the future but know that my decision was the right one.