I found out that I was pregnant in May of 2006. I had been with my boyfriend for almost seven months. I remember sitting in my bathroom looking at the test and thinking this couldn't be right, so I did what most girls do: I took another test. Positive right away, no doubt.
I was shaking with both fear and excitement. I loved kids and I loved my boyfriend. I drove over to his house debating whether I should tell him because he was leaving soon to go home for the summer. I couldn't keep it in though. I told him we were going to have a baby. I didn't really know how he would react, but it was worse than what I expected. He was pissed. He told me right away that he didn't want it. He told me it wasn't the right time.
I was crushed. Here I am pregnant with his child and he is telling me he doesn't want it. I was so confused. I didn't tell anyone else. I kept it to myself. Things got worse between us before he left. Inside I was thinking: I can do this without him, this is my child, a part of me. But every time, he made me feel that if I kept this child that he would never talk to me again. I was scared of losing him. I know it sounds stupid.
He left for the summer. When he was gone, things just got worse between us. He didn't call, he didn't try talking to me, and when he did it wasn't anything that I wanted to hear. He didn't love me the same and I knew it. He already has a child with a girl from back home. He would talk to me at night and I could hear his son crying in the background. It would break my heart. How could he want that child and not mine?
I still don't get it. I have this resentment inside for him. I had told my family and a couple of my friends that I was pregnant before I went through the abortion. They have no respect for him, and rightfully so, but being that I am still talking with him makes it really hard. I still love him, but there is a lot I don't understand.
I drove 4 hours to have the abortion performed. The whole time I thought to turn the car around. I didn't want to do it. I put all my trust and faith in him. How stupid! There were so many other girls there. They all seemed to be fine, laughing, and guilt free. I was torn up inside. I hate myself for it now, so much.