So I'm hoping that maybe sharing my story will help me to cope with the abortion...
Today I would be about 14 weeks pregnant. I had finally gotten my life together. I am a single mother of a toddler and I had just gotten established. I had a great job, independence and so on.
My son's father would occasionally visit where we lived. The last time he did, we ended up sleeping together. I have been on Depo. I didn't think I could possibly get pregnant.
A couple weeks later, the symptoms hit hard. I knew even before I took the many tests I purchased at the local drug store. There it was, I was yet again, pregnant. I decided not to tell my job right away as I hadn't been employed with them for too long. I let my parents know. They were a bit disappointed. I also let my son's father know. He had been begging us to return to my home town. He wanted to be closer to us he said. Let it be known that with my first pregnancy, he was very abusive, mentally, and physically. I ended up getting a restraining order and went through the entire pregnancy alone. I was young, 21. It was so tough. When my son turned about six months, his dad came back in the picture, claiming to have changed. I believed him.
Slowly but surely I gained my independence from him and needing his help. I even went through court for child support, which he had pressured me not to do. And here I was, pregnant again, by the same man who had put me through so much. I was happy to be pregnant as being a mother changed my life. But I was depressed and afraid of what would happen.
One night, I was so sick, and I had to go to the ER. I thought something was wrong-- it wasn't your normal morning sickness, it was projectile vomiting! At the ER the doctor decided to do an ultrasound to check on my baby. That's when I found out I was carrying not one little angel, but two! I didn't know what to think! I'm a twin myself so I was happy to hear the news, but once again, reality set in with reminding myself, I'm a single mother, the father is not reliable, how will I manage a toddler and two newborns? Nevertheless, I thought I could manage. I just needed the support to get through it and my children would be OK... Right?
Life wouldn't be too hard, my mother raised my older sister, and my twin brother and myself as a single mother. If she could do it I could do it... Right?
After much thought, I decided I couldn't raise my kids alone. I had to give up my job nearly three hours from my hometown, and make the move back as my son's father had begged me to do. I was disappointed because I had worked so hard for my independence. But I thought I was doing what was best for my children. Once back in my home town, I immediately began searching for a house large enough to fit my expanding family. I found one, out of my budget though considering I was no longer working and would have to rely on my son's father to help. He agreed this would be the house for me and my children. He is still residing with his children from a previous relationship. My name was solely put on the lease which made me a tad nervous. Would I be able to somehow help with the bills? Who will hire a pregnant woman? I wasn't showing yet but with the constant nausea and food aversions, any fool could tell.
The day after moving into my new house, my son's father completely changed his mind. It was like he was a different person. He said I had to abort my babies. and that if I chose not too, he would leave the state, stop the child support and stop helping me with anything! He told me my son was going to suffer if I kept the babies. Because he would not help me. I would be a welfare mom. Anyone who has ever has state assistance knows how hard it is to go through the system and depend on them for everything. I didn't want that.
He called and scheduled the appointment. I cried the entire way. Please note, my parents became happy about the pregnancy once I told them it was twins, although they don't help much. They told everyone I was expecting twins. Also, my cousin found out she too was pregnant with twins and our due dates were even the same month! The entire family was excited!
So anyway, I cried pleading with my son's father the entire way to the clinic. I prayed, I begged God to intervene. When I say I screamed the entire way to the clinic, I mean it. I was so upset. I didn't want to do this.
He dropped me off at the door because the clinic wouldn't allow him to go into the room with me anyways. And if they did, I doubt he would have been there to help me through it. The medication they gave me helped ease my nerves, but I still was not OK with what was about to happen. They called my name. I felt like a robot, like I didn't want to go into the surgery room, but my body just carried me there. Like I was on autopilot. I felt like I could barely breath. I knew these were my last moments with my babies. After that, I only remember being woken up and told the suction abortion had been completed. I felt sick, I had bad cramps and due to the medication, I couldn't even think of my babies. Just the pain I was in.
My sons father literally picked me up from the clinic and dropped me off at home. He didn't even stay to help me. The next day, it hit me. I no longer felt the full womb of two little ones. For anyone who has had a baby before, with twins, you feel much fuller, much bigger, much faster!! I immediately began crying to God, praying the abortion had failed. I couldn't stand the thought that I had hurt my babies. I was 9 weeks at the time of my abortion. The depression kicked in immediately. It is still there. Over my whole situation. I aborted my babies for someone who doesn't even care. I have dealt with severe depression since the abortion. I hope that not everyone is affected in this way. Here I gave up my job, moved back to my hometown so I could raise my babies, and now I have nothing. No job, no babies.
Yesterday was the first day I have gone out of my house other then grocery shopping and necessities. I'll have my parents pick up my son from time to time to allow him a much needed change of scenery.
Today, I took some steps to move past this. I want to heal from this. But it's so hard. I have insomnia. It's one in the morning here and I'm nowhere near able to go to bed. I just want to move forward. And thank that in a way, it's a blessing my two angels will not have to go through a rough life due to me being a single parents. And the father not supportive. I just pray they are in heaven. In peace.