My boyfriend and I had been together for a long time. I didn't sleep, just stared at the pregnancy test thinking that it would magically change the result. I guess I was in a state of shock. He tried really hard to be supportive but I just wanted to be alone. All I could do was cry. It was horrible keeping such a huge secret from everyone I love. He wanted to keep the baby and I was against keeping it from the start. I knew that there was no way I could be the mother that my baby deserved at this point in my life.
We went to Planned Parenthood and I can't really say that it was a good experience. I felt like I had been abducted by aliens, being poked and proded by all of these strangers. I had never even had so much as a pap smear before all of this happened. They made me feel like I was just another screwed up girl, and I suppose I was. Getting the procedure wasn't any better. I had to get through a line of protesters shouting accusations just to get in the door. It was like an assembly line inside. The waiting room was the worst place I have ever been. All of these girls in paper hospital gowns. They were all scared, crying and trembling.
I don't remember much of the procedure but I woke up alone, crying hysterically. I tried to put on a brave face after that. I tried to ignore the emptiness and pain that I now felt. Every baby I saw and every anti-abortion billboard ripped the wounds back open. I went through a pretty serious bout of depression and I am lucky I made it out of it because I really don't think I would still be here. I started have panic attacks, believing that somehow everyone I met knew what I had done.
The stress that all of this put on our relationship is indescribable. We're still not back to the way we were before everything happened but we are slowly getting there. I realize that I am lucky to have a boyfriend who stuck by me and was so supportive. But I can't help feeling like he will never really understand everything I've gone through, especially the emotional part of it.
I hope that one day we will get married and start a family. Maybe the void in my heart and mind will be filled then. I don't know if I'll ever really be the same.