Being twenty four, in a new relationship, and heading for nursing school, I felt as though everything was falling into place.
It was a month into our new relationship, when we hit our first set of rocky roads, and then it just seemed as if we could never recover from that. We would fight about the most stupid things, and I even started feeling sort of depressed because I was so “in love,” but did not understand why it hurt so bad. He had another woman that he just could not cut out of his life. Finally, one day, I had enough and cut off the relationship. And sometimes fate has a sense a humor.
I was careful, I was on birth control. However, having a week straight of breast pain two weeks before my period, was not normal. I remember taking the pregnancy test, then walking out of the bathroom while I was brushing my teeth, coming back and seeing a faint line show up. Half believing it was a false positive, two days later took it again, and the color was stronger on the positive line.
I was not with the father, I was scared and alone.
My mother and sister both defaulted to being excited. My sister, who recently had a baby, was saying how she could pass down everything (since most of her stuff was gender neutral) and was a huge cheerleader to keeping it. My mom was planning on having me move in, and moving upstairs, and really considering redoing the room now so I & baby could be happy.
I was trying to take more of a neutral stance. I was just starting out on my future, and even though people promised they would help, I knew that it would all fall on me. I was not ready. & to be fair in whatever choice I made, I let him know. He too, was not ready. For once, we were on the same ship. & he vowed to stay by me the whole time.
I had to go to the ultrasound, and see the heart beat…and even broke down crying when they gave me a copy of the ultrasound.
The day of the procedure, we woke up late…and barely made it on time. It was surreal. They clinic I went to was tucked away in a place that was only a block away from my old job. I walked in, filled out the papers, and they told me “hand him your belongings, we are going to take you from here.”
I was trying my hardest to keep my composure, but when the phlebotomist started putting in my IV, I lost it. I prayed and begged God for forgiveness. I felt so selfish for rejecting life. However, this child does not deserve a life that I have to struggle to keep up, a mother & father who cannot keep a relationship farther than five months, and for sure not one where it, from the get go, has no bonding support.
I could not imagine having a newborn that I have to hand over for custody…It was not something I was ok with doing.
The last pregnant memory I have was them tying my legs to the stirrups….then the anesthesia set in…and then I woke up in the recovery chair, not pregnant anymore. When I left the clinic, the nurse gave me a hug and told me “it will be ok.” Less than twelve hours after the procedure, my “significant other,” spent night with his ex-girlfriend, and broke up with me.
He might have had intentions with agreeing with having an abortion. However, it was then I realized that my decision was the right one for several reasons. I feel morally wrong. Life does begin, in my opinion, at conception. I have always found the beauty that pregnancy begins with two cells, and develops into a human life. However, life is forever. Babies are not puppies, and they deserve love, support, and the most stable environment you can provide for them.
Do I feel like a baby killer…yes…I do. However, I just asked God…”Please, put this on hold…and give it back to me when I am ready. Married. With a stable job. And my own house, where I can afford to put together a nice nursery. Where I can go home with my new child, with my husband, and we can enjoy raising the child together.”
I do not regret my decision; it was honestly for the best. I feel horrible for it, but in time it will be worth it. My first child (and hopefully some after that) will appreciate the beauty of their life, and I will love them that much more.