I never thought my life would end up like this. Six months ago today, I made the worst mistake of my life. The sad thing is the pain will never go away. I was the worst mother to my child. I blame my boyfriend, but it's not his fault. It's mine. I made the decision.
To this day, I can't figure out the reason. It changes all the time. I did it for him so he could keep seeing his son. I did it for me so I didn't lose my job. I didn't want to lose my promotion. I knew that's what he wanted me to do even though he never said it out loud. He told me it was my decision. I was scared of what my family would say. Maybe it was a combination of all the reasons.
The night before I read him a letter I wrote to the baby. I still have the letter. I torture myself and read it often. I can't get her (in my heart I know it was a girl), out of my head. I wish I could see her. To touch her. To see her laugh, smile, run, play, even to cry. What's worse is that I know I took that all away.
It all felt like a dream. They day we went, he waited in the waiting room. I had to go in alone. By the time I realized it was actually going to happen I texted him. I told him I was scared and that I couldn't pray because I knew what I was doing was wrong. I wanted to get up and run, but I didn't, I couldn't. WHY? I torture myself with that question all the time. I wish I could go back and pretend this never happened.
This was the worst choice I have ever made. I called it a mistake. More like a life-long prison sentence I can't get out of. I feel empty inside. I feel no right to be happy or healthy. I feel helpless, and I did this to myself because I was a coward. I didn't want to complicate my life or my boyfriends. I took the easy way out. Easy way turned out to be the hardest.