There is a Mattaponi superstition my grandmother told me where if a butterfly lands on your stomach it means that a woman is pregnant, and not only is she pregnant, but that the baby has been blessed from the spirit world...

When this beautiful butterfly landed on me, I knew I was already pregnant. I had found out the 5th of September at 5am. I had had dreams of a baby boy sitting on my lap the week before, and my butt had gotten bigger. When I found out, I was hysterical. I had been told for years that I couldn't have children-- then BOOM-- out of nowhere all four of those pregnancy tests were positive. I cried to myself for hours. My boyfriend and I had contemplated a baby before but he had made it very clear for months that he didn't actually want a baby-- I did though...even though for years I always said that if you couldn't support a child financially or emotionally then you shouldn't have one.

But I am a woman, who encompasses all the idealism of motherhood despite my usual rash, logical attitude...

But I am 20. I waitress at a bull restaurant making minimum wage, the father just lost his job and has this whole "band" thing going on. And we've only been together eight months now and like he says, we have no idea if we want to be tied together for 18 years... Plus I've been preparing to finish my Psychology degree for two years now...

But when that butterfly landed on my tummy that day, I could only dream of the baby....I was terrified of an abortion. I had seen it first hand before. But I was even more terrified of raising a child in such bullshit circumstances.

So I went to the clinic yesterday. I took the pill, came home, took the other one. Horrible cramps and bleeding. And I'm still having a hard time coping with this thing that I have done... I kept the sonogram. It's helping me grieve. Its a reminder that this is a blessing, and that when the times right, my ancestors will send back this blessing. I'm sure they'll understand in their own way...

When that day comes, I'll be an amazing mother. I am a woman, and like woman before me, I will be strong and I will survive. We were built for sadness and built for pain as well as love.