I had just gotten out of a bad relationship. I loved him.. I did. But we weren't happy. I cried for weeks... thinking "This is the worst thing that could ever happen to me." I was in denial. I knew. I never said it... or thought it... I just knew. Finally... when it was almost too late. I took my friend to the store... bought the test.. knowing what it would say. And when I finally did find out... I was not surprised... but still shocked.
I am the spoiled little rich girl. This doesn't happen to me. I started bawling. I'd been denying it for weeks and all that frustration just came out at once. I wanted to keep it. I have always been against abortion. But abortion just isn't something I have ever considered for myself... but then again... neither was motherhood.
Telling him was easy. I had replayed in my mind over and over again and it just came out. He thought I was joking. Can you believe that? haha. He never once considered keeping it. He said "What ever you decide.. I'm there for you." But I knew better then that. This baby would be loved... but not wanted. I had no job... no income. NO SUPPORT. I was miserable and lost. It went against everything I had ever told myself.
After informing my mother of my current situation, my decision was made for me. I was not to have this baby. I was an adult. I could have gonet against her.. and damn it, I tried. I called her a murderer. I called her a million things. I could not stand her. I didn't talk to her for the three weeks it took for her to plan my abortion. I told her I wasn't going. I told her that I could do this. I could have this baby.
But...I knew I couldn't do it alone.
I went to the clinic: 1. Go to this room. 2. Take of this... put on that. 3. Put this here. 4. Go to this room 5. Sit here 6. etc. I waited for my turn, dreading every step. Is this actually happening? At that point.. I didn't have a clue. I was bawling... on my ex boyfriends lap. Ha. That was special. But I needed him. I felt like "you understand dont you.. you just lost a child too." I'm sure he didn't care... He was just happy I'd agreed to go through with it.
This is when it hurt. Before this moment I let myself believe that it would all be okay. That it was the right choice. It was... in a lot of ways. But damn did it hurt. Not physically. But emotionally. I felt guilty. I felt sad. I felt angry. I didn't talk to anyone for months. It hurt more then anything that had ever happened to me. That was the worst thing. I had loved this person. This happened to us. And now it's just a date on the calender.
I promised I would NEVER do that again. But here I am. I am pregnant. But here is the thing: This is not with someone I love.. or someone I trust. This is not a family... or a relationship. I was drunk... very drunk. And someone i thought i could trust drove me home.... and here I am. Pregnant. That's the first time I've been able to say that. Now what do I do. I can't have this baby. It's conception is a night of terror in my memory. How could I...
What do I...